Reacting to an affair
It is perfectly normal to be overwhelmed by fear, anger, hurt and the desire for revenge upon learning that your partner is having an affair. However, difficult as it may be, you will have to keep your emotions under control. Whatever you do now will have lifelong repercussions you may regret in the future—whether you decide to end your marriage or stay to work things out.
If you are already suspicious that your spouse is having indiscretions, you have time to prepare yourself for whatever it is that you find out. Reacting to an affair is something you can plan so that you increase the possibility that the outcome will be in your favor. Here are some insights on how you should or shouldn’t react when you learn your partner is being unfaithful.
Verify your suspicion!
• Do not throw him out or leave him. Reacting to an affair is something you can control—no matter how devastated and betrayed you feel. This first rule may seem contradictory to how you are feeling—nonetheless, you need to follow it.
If you kick him out or leave him now, you will never know if he is continuing to have the affair—unless you hire a private investigator. Keeping him at home will allow you to gather much needed facts and solid proof about the infidelity.
Remember, you need rock solid evidence before you can confront your spouse—so control the urge to burst into hysterics, keep your cool and gather the evidence you need before doing anything else.
• Do not torture yourself. Reacting to an affair in this way is wrong and unfair. Tempting as it is to wonder what the other person has and you don’t, or thinking if she is prettier, younger, smarter, funnier, or nicer than you—will only drive you crazy.
It is human nature to be curious about the other person, but it really is not worth your time and energy—so shift your attention elsewhere. Focus on getting the solid proof you need so that when you confront your spouse there is no way he can possibly deny it.
• Face reality. It is not uncommon for some women to ignore their partner’s infidelity. The emotional may be too much to bear that it is better to pretend nothing is happening.
Reacting to an affair through denial will only make matters worse. You need to be strong and face the reality that your husband is having an affair.
Otherwise, you will be letting him get away with it. You need to accept what is taking place and do everything in your power to gather proof—only then can you confront him and then decide how you want to move forward—whether to end your relationship or stay and try to save your marriage.
Verify your suspicion!
• Confront him only when you have proof. Reacting to an affair in this way is smart—and that is to confront him only when you have undeniable evidence. If you do otherwise, he will most certainly just deny it and it will be harder to gather the proof you need afterwards.
Remember to choose the time and place carefully when you have made the decision to confront him so that you have time to discuss it without interruptions. Never ask him if he is being unfaithful. Simply show him the evidence so that he can’t lie to you and deny it.
Keep in mind, the sooner you confront him the better as the longer you put it off, the more attached he will be to the other woman—and the harder it will be to bring your marriage back on track.
A word of caution though—some husbands have become angry and even aggressive once they are accused. So although you need privacy when confronting him, take the necessary precautions for your safety.
If you have children, please make sure they are not in the place when you will be confronting him. Also, it is best that you are not completely alone when you do confront him. It is also important to remember that affairs thrive in secrecy—sometimes just telling your husband you have proof of his affair is enough to put a stop to it.